A Letter from a Mom

We went out, you know, to weddings, to visit the family, but he never really wanted to go with and I thought that maybe he did not want to go with us because you know how things are when you are a young man. Then he started staying out late and I over-looked-it- Always making excuses for him_ he’s young, he needs to go and spend time with his friends. Then his eating habit changed and I thought that he was going through some things_ I always had an excuse for his behavior and the changes that occurred. I did this because I loved my son and because I did not want to believe that there was anything wrong with him I WAS IN HEAVY DENIAL.

Then the changes became more obvious. Still I didn’t want to believe that there was anything wrong. He just started changing. His dress code changed,… his decent friends were changed for these people I did not know, or wanted to get to know. His rooms became untidy and his sleeping pattern changed. Then came the time when he used to sleep out and I tried to win the situation by becoming strict. He then started staying away from home for days and just came back as if nothing is wrong. He became aggressive and abusive towards me and I did not know how to handle it. His moods changed drastically and I did not want to upset him, so I would give him what he asked for, in order to keep the peace. When he was in a good mood, I would go to the extreme to try to make it last for a long a possible. When he was in a bad mood, I would toe tip around him until his mood changed. Without me realizing I became co-dependent on him. When he was in a good mood, then I would be in a good mood_ when he was in a bad mood the house would be like a cemetery.

He became more and more rude and aggressive and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. On the few occasions that I confronted him about his behavior and my suspicions he got so upset that he stormed out of the house, and left me feeling guilty. At this stage my son was a full blown addict and everyone knew, except me. Why am I the last to know.

Everything happened so fast from there and then the next thing that I’m aware of is that my son confessed to be a full-blown addict.

I was devastated. My whole life crumbled around me. What were the neighbours going to say? Where did I go wrong? Why didn’t I see what was happening? Why, why, why, Dear God tell me why? Maybe he can control it if he cannot stop on his own. But I knew that he needed help. And even after I knew all of this, and he promised to stop on his own, I still gave him money, and said: “Don’t use the money on drugs” I still Fed his habit.

My denial was such that I started losing sleep and I lost my appetite. I became physically, mentally and emotionally drained, without being aware. My health became bad and I had to go to the doctor for medication to make me sleep and ease my nerves, … relaxers. It is amazing how much I have aged in this short period of time, since I discovered that my poor, innocent child is an addict.

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